Sometimes I weep at night
Sometimes I'm scared the world might end before I get to live my life fully. Sometimes I worry I wont be able to see my children grow up. Sometimes I worry that life wont turn out how I ever imagined it, even if I'm used to the idea that my life will absolutely not
turn out how I always imagined it would when I was 8.
See, when I was young I always imagined my life be pretty much 'default'. By that I mean I always figured, hey, I'll have a wife and two kids and live in a decent house, go to work monday to friday and live to see my life through to a nice natural death. I've learnt in recent years this is never the case, we can't predict what may or may not happen and we can only vaguely determine how we live our lives. Married by 28? first kid at 31? Maybe you'll meet the right woman by then, Maybe not. Who knows. Maybe you'll be able to have kids. Maybe you wont. Maybe you'll get hit by a bus. Maybe you wont.
To begin with, this realisation scared me a little but I grew to realise how true it was and that I should just get over it and carry on with living my life.
But sticking my nose in recent world affairs just worries me. I have no problem with countries going to war, sometimes force is necessary.. originally I supported the Iraqi War. But now? Now I'm not so sure. I'm far from being what some would call a peace hugging hippy.. I'm the first person to cheer the troops on. But Iraq? To my mind (at best, uneducated in world affairs) Iraq could be just a stepping stone to something far worse.
The thought that life wouldn't turn out how I always imagined it scared me to begin with. What scares me more is that I might not even be able to live my life.
I think I have far too much free time on my hands right now and I'm not really trying too hard to break the monotony of the unemployed life. Maybe it's time for a change. I've been thinking recently how cool it'd be to teach in a primary school (7 to 11 year olds) and I really don't fancy doing web design at the age of 40 (who can imagine a 40 year old web designer? certainly not me. I'd expect to be outdone by the young whippersnappers fresh out of university). This recent realisation has led me to rethink my career plans, so far on the list we have: primary school teacher. Nothing else I can think of right now but I'll keep this up to date hopefully. First things first anyway, I need to get back on my feet and the fastest way to do that is web design sadly.