Sometimes I weep at night
Sometimes I'm scared the world might end before I get to live my life fully. Sometimes I worry I wont be able to see my children grow up. Sometimes I worry that life wont turn out how I ever imagined it, even if I'm used to the idea that my life will absolutely not
turn out how I always imagined it would when I was 8.
See, when I was young I always imagined my life be pretty much 'default'. By that I mean I always figured, hey, I'll have a wife and two kids and live in a decent house, go to work monday to friday and live to see my life through to a nice natural death. I've learnt in recent years this is never the case, we can't predict what may or may not happen and we can only vaguely determine how we live our lives. Married by 28? first kid at 31? Maybe you'll meet the right woman by then, Maybe not. Who knows. Maybe you'll be able to have kids. Maybe you wont. Maybe you'll get hit by a bus. Maybe you wont.
To begin with, this realisation scared me a little but I grew to realise how true it was and that I should just get over it and carry on with living my life.
But sticking my nose in recent world affairs just worries me. I have no problem with countries going to war, sometimes force is necessary.. originally I supported the Iraqi War. But now? Now I'm not so sure. I'm far from being what some would call a peace hugging hippy.. I'm the first person to cheer the troops on. But Iraq? To my mind (at best, uneducated in world affairs) Iraq could be just a stepping stone to something far worse.
The thought that life wouldn't turn out how I always imagined it scared me to begin with. What scares me more is that I might not even be able to live my life.
I think I have far too much free time on my hands right now and I'm not really trying too hard to break the monotony of the unemployed life. Maybe it's time for a change. I've been thinking recently how cool it'd be to teach in a primary school (7 to 11 year olds) and I really don't fancy doing web design at the age of 40 (who can imagine a 40 year old web designer? certainly not me. I'd expect to be outdone by the young whippersnappers fresh out of university). This recent realisation has led me to rethink my career plans, so far on the list we have: primary school teacher. Nothing else I can think of right now but I'll keep this up to date hopefully. First things first anyway, I need to get back on my feet and the fastest way to do that is web design sadly.
Life the universe and everything
Ok, So there we where.. on the A47 heading back towards Manchester from a weekend away in Norwich, at times like that, my mind tends to wander and I find myself musing over some completely inane thought or two. This time around, I was pondering on life and the little difficulties it throws my way, one current problem I seem to currently have is that I'm entirely unemployable... 3 years commercial experience in web design, 7 (or maybe 8, i forget) years experience overall. You'd think that I might just be able to get a job. But no, everything I've applied for since becoming unemployed last October, I've either been rejected for or there's just been no response from recruitment agencies / employers at all.
The blow that kind of situation can deal to your self esteem / ego / sense of worth is intense, never before have I ever felt this low (currently I'm not feeling too bad, I'm riding on the waves of a fantastic weekend in the presence of some great friends).. a week or two back I was convinced I was beginning to go insane. Totally batshit crazy so to speak.
Then, halfway up the A47 heading towards Doncaster... realisation finally struck home. Life is what you make of it. I could spend an eternity wallowing in self pity, hating myself for who I am and the situation I've managed to get myself into, wanting to scream loudly on a daily basis to make sure I'm still breathing and being annoyed at the fact I still am, because breathing means facing another day of nothingness.
I could do that.
On the other hand. I could be happy that I have 4 functioning limbs, no rare tropical disease that will make my face slide off at the age of 25, the ability to poop without needing to detach a bag from my side, having a loving family, a good bundle of friends who I know I can rely on to cheer me up when everything seems like it's going to end in a horrible apocalyptic firey explosion. All these wonderful things we all take for granted. It was spectacular views like this on the way home today...
...that help's re-affirm the view, that life isn't all that bad really.
Apologies for a crap post, I'm not really good at this writing malarky and my thoughts aren't too clear right now, I promise something worth reading next time... honest guvna.